Guy Meets Girls Of His Dreams......
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good.
"A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Upside Down....
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
Bad luck......
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck”
The Best Love Letter.....
My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda),
You are my TVS SCOOTY(first
love) and my AIWA (pure passion). I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best). You are DOMINO'SPIZZA (delivering a
million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh)feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your mother who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (the unshakable) and my mother who is CEAT (born tough) , but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON
(The josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS(the coolest ones). If our mother say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (let's make things better).
They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in
COCA-COLA (jo chahe ho jaye) . Trust in God who's always NOKIA(connecting people) who love each other. And do not forget that we a re WILLS (made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE ?(fun fast
easy) and PARX (always comfortable). So never forget me.
Ok bye!
I wrote little but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more)!!.
Yours
LG (digitally yours).
Funny Answers to Science Test Question......
These answers are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly amazing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades:
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For dog bite: Put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
Laws in Alabama...
The penal code in Alabama contains many less-than-conventional laws. Here are some of them,
· It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
· You may not drive barefooted.
· It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
· It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
· Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
· Masks may not be worn in public.
· Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
· Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
· Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
· It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
· Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
· Incestous marriages are legal.
· It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
· You must have windshield wipers on your car.
· You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
School gifts....
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
heee...
At work part II....
At work....
Joe and Johnny Jokes....
Joe and Johny were fixing a bomb in a car.
Joe : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing?
Johny : Dont worry, I have one more.
Joe was busy in removing a wheel from auto,
Johny asks: Y r u removing a wheel from your auto?
Joe: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only'
In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Joe: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ….
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Joe: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…
Johny: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Johny: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is All India Radio!
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Johny: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
Joe joined a new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.Boss is happy and asks : "What work did u do?"
Joe: "Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright..."
Johny proposes to a girl. Girl says, " Listen, I'm one year older to you"
Johny: "Ok, no problem darling, I will marry you next year."
Joe enters a store that sell curtains.
He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Joe seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.
Joe replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
Joe tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"
Joe says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
Joe goes to an electronics shop to buy a TV.
Do you have color TVs?
Sure.
Give me a green one, please.
Joe was in a nightclub in New York, dancing with a beautiful lady.
He whispered into her ear, "I love you."
She smiled and whispered back,"I love you too". then he whispered, "I love you three."
You might like it. This is hilarious... ..even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me,so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him.Then I
took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Ceritanya berkisar di sebuah ladang penternakan ayam yang terletak di Gunung Semanggul.Tentang sebuah peternakan ayam. Disana ada 5 Ayam betina dan seekor ayam jalak (kira ayam jantan macholah) yang umurnya sudah lanjut dimamah masa (cewah-cewah cam novel percintaan la pulak).
Karena merasa bahwa ayam jalak yang sudah tua tadi sudah melewati masa suburnya, si pemilik ladang tersebut memutuskan untuk membeli seekor ayam jalak lagi yang masih muda, tampan, segak, macho dan yang sewaktu denganya.
Dengan secara tidak sengaja hal ini membuatkan si ayam jalak tua menjadi merasa tersaing. Lalu bibit2 cemburu dan hasat dengki menguasai dirinya, mulalah diyer mengatur srategi. Lalu terjadi percakapan
seperti ini :
Si ayam jalak tua : Eh, kamu jangan serakah sgt kat sini. Ayam betinanya kan ada 25. Kamu boleh ambil yang 15, bakinya bagi aku.
Si ayam jalak muda: Banyak hensem ko punya muka, tua tak sedarkan diri. Hang tu dah tua dah tak larat dah so semua untuk aku sahaja.
Si ayam jalak tua : hek eleh...berlagak tul mamat seekor ni (jalak tua bercakap lam ati yer). Seper kata aku tua tak larat lagi, ko jgn pandang rendah pada aku, kang aku sekeh kang... O.klah, aku maleh nak gaduh ngan budak hingusan cam ko ni (jalak tua, menunjukkan eksen nyer) so apa kata kalau kita pertontonkan kemanchoan kita ngan mengadakan satu pertandingan. Siapa yang menang boleh ambil semua ayam betina yang ada kat sini ayam ini. Yang kalah kirim salam.
Si ayam jalak muda: Aku.. aku boleh sahaja, pantang dicabar ni. Kita nak buat pertandingan apa ni... cabut bulu ayam ker (jalak muda membuat lawak loya beruk giler)
Si ayam jalak tua : bukan! Senang jer pertandingan lumba lari.
Sambil tersenyum lembu, Si ayam jalak muda: Set
Si ayam jalak tua : Lumbanya 400M. tapi karena aku sudah tua, aku minta untuk lari dulu di depanmu 50 meter.
Si ayam jalak muda: Boleh (dengan penuh keyakinan).
Maka pertandingan pun dimulai. Ayam jalak tua lari dulu 50 meter baru ayam jalak yang muda lari menyusul dengan kecepatan kuasa extra gaban yang mengkagumkan. Eh, baru kurang 1 meter menyusul, si ayam jalak muda
ditembak langsung oleh pemilik peternakan. Kenapa?????
[jawaban ada di bawah]
Kata Pemilik : "Kurang ajar. INI AYAM JALAK-HOMOSEKS NI. Asal setiap aku beli dapat yang macam ni SUKA SANGAT KEJAR-KEJAR AYAM JALAK TUA AKU"
NiLAI MORAL : Jgn berlagak ngan org tua (diorang banyak trick, hehehe)
HORMATILAH ORANG YANG LEBIH TUA DARI KITA...
Read More »»
Kadang kala
ketika kita menangis
tiada orang nampak tangisan kita
Kadang kala
ketika kita sedang menderita
tiada orang nampak derita kita
Kadang kala
ketika kita risau
tiada org nampak kerisauan kita
Kadang kala
ketika kita gembira
tiada org nampak kegembiraan kita
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
tapi KENTUT!! Sekali je cukup....
Semua orang tau!!
Hahahaha!!
GOTCHA!!!
Seorang pemandu yang berbosskan org putih dari Amerika sedang membawa bossnye.. tita-tiba kereta dihadapannya berhenti mengejut menyebabkan dia telah menyodok kereta tersebut. Pemandu tersebut pun meminta maaf dari boss nya... .:
Pemandu: Sorry Sir, I brake brake, do not eat. After I check the wheel no flower again. (maaf Tuan, saya brek-brek, tak makan, selepas saya cek tayarnya tak ada bunganya lagi)
Orang putih tu pun mahu keluar dan ikut sama marahkan pemandu kereta
dihadapan. Tapi pemandu tersebut menghalangnya... Kata pemandu tersebut:
Pemandu: Don't enter mix, Sir! The bring that car if not wrong I, is the
children fruit from manager moneys, he stupid doesn't play! Let he taste.
(Jangan masuk campur, Tuan! Yang bawa kereta itu kalau tak salah saya, anak
buah dari pengurus kewangan, dia memang bodoh bukan main... Biar dia rasa)
Besoknya si pemandu tak masuk kerja, lusanya,bila dia masuk kerja, si
boss orang putihnya bertanya:
Boss : Why didn't you come to work?
Pemandu : I am sorry boss, my body is not delicious, my body taste like
enter the wind. (maaf boss, badan saya tidak sedap, badan saya rasanya
macam masuk angin)
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need $ of u $ worker $ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Reply Letter:
Dear
I kNOw you have been working very hard.
NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have
NO ticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading
ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NO thing more to add NOw You kNOw what I mean.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
KARAM SINGH WALIA : Seperti yang saudara dapat lihat, kelihatan ayam-
ayam itu sedang >melintas jalan, mereka bukan sahaja melintas jalan
malah membuang najis di atas jalan dan ini adalah pencemaran yang
paling hebat di maya pada masa ini. Bapa-bapa dan ibu-ibu Ayam
haruslah mengambil inisiatif untuk melatih ayam-ayamagar menahan
najis sewaktu melintas jalan, sekian saya sudahi dengan.........
Ayam di jalan di lintaskan ,Ayam di reban mati tak makan
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing
walking around all over the place anyway?
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
BILL CLINTON 
MAHATHIR: You know, I am tired of all this..'apa-nama' chicken-
chicken bisnes....the foreign powers should stop intervening in our
domestic affairs and just leave our chickens alone..... if they want
to...'apa nama' cross the road,they should be allowed to cross the
road .. Malaysia is a democratic country,we let our chickens do
whatever they want to do.... as long as they don't threaten the
Malay unity and try to topple the government...and if they plan to
do so...we won't hesitate to use the ISA...
ABDULLAH BADAWI: Ini semua adalah khabar angin sahaja...jangan
percaya khabar - khabar angin ini semua...biasalah ini adalah taktik
pembangkang untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam - ayam
semua...jangan percaya..jangan percaya....
SAMY VELLU : ayyooyoo...belakang cerita lain kali, kita sude bikin
banyak jembatan, itu ayam musti guna jembatan untuk lintas itu jalan
lagi pun kalu itu ayam mau pigi jalan-jalan,beritau sama saya juga,
saya bolley buat lebbey banyak toll........
Instructions: What you do is find out what each letter of your name
means. Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU. (Its
TRUE!!) (Isn't it GREAT!!)
***********************************************************
A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
D You have trouble trusting people.
E You are a very exciting person.
F Everyone loves you.
G You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H You are not judgmental.
I You are always smiling and making others smile.
J Jealously
K You like to try new things.
L Love is something you deeply believe in.
M Success comes easily to you.
N You like to work, but you always want a break.
O You are very open-minded.
P You are very friendly and understanding.
Q You are a hypocrite.
R You are a social butterfly.
S You are very broad-minded.
T You have an attitude, a big one.
U You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V You have a very good physique and looks.
W You like your privacy.
X You never let people tell you what to do.
Y You cause a lot of trouble.
Z You're always fighting with someone
PS: If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.
Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
Witness: “I only have one, you know.
Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
Witness: “Er…his face.”
Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
Witness: “Oral.”
Lawyer: “How old are you?”
Witness: “Oral.”
Read More »»Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
Witness: “I could see his head.”
Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
